We were striding out across the golf course, well when I saw striding, Bev was motoring along and I was managing that slow chug I do when faced with any hill. Mercifully we had to pause while a gaggle of golfers staggered across in front of us, dragging their clubs and other gubbins behind them. ‘Give us a wiggle’ one of them said. Give us a wiggle? Did I just fall through a time warp and land in the last century where men were men and women were glad of it? Does anyone say that any more? Well, yes, it seems they do.
It got me thinking, what would I not say when I’m out there hitting the trails, pounding the pavements or falling on the fells in my Lycra and Smartwool? Here’s five for starters.
1. No of course I don’t mind your dog bounding towards me, jumping up and scratching me with its muddy paws. He’s just being friendly, isn’t he? I totally accept your assurances that he’s just being friendly, the bared teeth are just for show and I don’t believe he’ll ever bite. Those Rottweilers are just pussy cats inside, aren’t they?
2. How very kind of you to compliment me on the pertness of my buttocks. I’m so glad you appreciate the effort I put in to make myself attractive to you, particularly as your souped-up car with loud farty-noise exhausts and exquisite taste in avant-garde music is so attractive to me. I’ll be happy to accept your kind invitation to join you in your, what did you call it? Bonkmobile?
3. I think parking on pavements is a basic human right.
4. I love hills, I love hills, I love hills.
5. Why the hell am I out here in the cold, wet and dark, splashing through puddles and pounding the pavements in the middle of winter, training for my spring half marathons when I could be at home watching House of Cards? No, wait, I actually do say this!