WTF? Can’t a cat get a kip without the clicking of a camera, or the clip clip clipping of scissors? I got the fecking fright of my life when I caught a glimpse of this great big crow. How the hell did it get in the house? This is my house, where my humans live with me. No mice, not any more anyway, no rats, just Roland who lives in the shed, we have an agreement about that, and certainly not crows. Crows! I ask you FFS!
While she’s off faffing with cut-out crows, fishing line and cane, I’ve got my paws on the computer (ha ha ha, – she should have done the old ctrl-alt-del thing to lock it…) You’d have thought she’d have learned after the bumper delivery of Felix Sensations Sauce Surprise from Sainsburys Online, they were just a click away and I’m rather partial to the new recipe. I love the Google Chrome ‘always save my password because I can’t be arsed to type it in again and I’m just begging to be ripped off’ button.
So while I’m online, and in the mood for mischief, I’ve three top tips to my feline friends for keeping our pet humans under control and making sure they keep us in the lifestyle to which we have become accustomed.
- Always look cute, even when you’re asleep. Curl up and cross your paws or roll on to your back and show your tummy, look as if you’re smiling. They like that, they give you extra Iams, which are rather nice, though I prefer to share their tuna sandwich, but without the sandwich bit.
- Make sure you’ve got that bit-of-a-wild-thing going. Let them stroke you, stroke you, stroke you, purr loudly and then…a quick bits or swipe of the paw. That’ll show them who’s boss.
- Mess with their heads. Give a little cough, pathetic to start with, then make your body shake and retch retch retch. It’s great to see them rushing for a cloth or something to catch stuff with. At the last minute deposit a furball as far from reach as possible and go back to 1.
The party’s at my place this weekend. They’re not away, but they won’t mind, they like lots of pawprints, flying fur and feline farting. I’ll leave the catflap open.