With plummeting pension funds and the implosion of the public sector job market (thank you, bankers everywhere, may your chequebooks always bounce), Noel and I are having to adopt a creative approach to income generation.
My latest little earner has given me a 50 per cent return rate, which, with a fair wind, a little luck, a lot more talent and less of the arty-fartiness, I could increase to 100 per cent – maybe more. My 30p entry fee for each of five photos in Calverley Horticultural Society’s Annual Show netted me three thirds @ 50p and a second @ 75p. So all I have to do is enter more competitions and we’ll be rich, rich beyond our wildest dreams!
My mate Bev, who’s secretary of the Calverley society had the same approach, except on a larger scale. She won in classes ranging from carrots to knitting, her vase of herbs was a runaway winner thanks to sweet cicely and her conserves brought a smile to the judges’ faces. Actually, I made that bit up, the judges never smile. Not only did Bev turn a tidy profit, she won an award for winning the most awards and was presented with the silver salver by the Lord Mayor of Leeds
So I reckon I’m going to do a tour of all the shows with my photos. Noel pointed out that I hadn’t taken into account the cost of printing, framing, travel, computer power and cups of tea drunk, all needed to make the whole thing happen. Nor had I accounted for entry to the shows themselves, the cakes I’d buy and consume there and the cash I’d squander on tombola tickets. I told him that was just detail and as he well knows, I don’t do detail.
Anyway, he says his scheme will net us a lot more cash. The personal letter which arrived from Spain last week, with a real Spanish stamp and the twiddly bits over the ‘o’s addressed to Senor Nowell Ackers, informed him that the investment he didn’t even know he had has come to maturity. So, to collect his £500,000, he just needs to supply them with our bank details, his credit card and PIN, the deeds to the house and the cat’s certificate of pedigree.
I told him it was a scam, as no-one in their right mind thought the cat had any pedigree in him at all, but Noel has a cunning plan. He says he’ll go over to Spain to collect the cash personally – ooo I can’t wait to see the look on their faces when he turns up. They are bound to be in the office that day…