Keep away from MY humans

Me showing the fluffy girlie cat who's boss

I’ve had it all planned very carefully. First, turn up looking pathetic, preferably arrange for snow to stick to the fur on my back, miaow a lot, then embiggen my eyes to maximum cuteness, purr loudly and accept the proffered chicken, without seeming too needy.

Result. They let me in, fed me regularly, though I still had to keep nipping next door where she served Whiskas, but it was a place I could call home. Then, thanks to my cunning feline hypnotism thing, staring and blinking slowly, I persuaded them to get rid of the stupid gas fire and have a proper stove so I could stretch out on the rug and toast, winning the admiration of every visitor. Bliss.

The catflap came later, I pretended I didn’t know how to use it, just to freak them out. Did a poo or two inside including a rather spectacular one in the bath, so they knew who was boss. Mwa ha ha.

But I came in the other day to find another cat in MY bedroom. A blue-eyed fluffy-furred girlie cat, trying to inveigle her way into the hearts of MY humans, after all the work I’ve done. I was having none of that, out she went.

Then, oh the cheek of it, she turned up again today. I had it out with her in the garden, showed her who was boss, my humans were very impressed, they seem to think I’m sedentary and stupid. That’s just what I WANT them to believe. It worked too, they’re now as proud of me as punch, whatever that means. At least I think they are, when they open their mouths, all I can hear is blah blah blah blah blah…..

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