I have it. The solution to the political deadlock which has kept any other item of interesting news away from the front pages.
David and Nick – I feel I can call them by their Christian names as they've become so familiar, filling my every waking hour on TV, radio and the internet, along with Gordon – are having problems sorting themselves out and forming our new government. Well, after giving it a lot of thought, I've produced a six-point plan to sort out the leader from the non-leaders. Not so much a plan as a series of tests for them to prove themselves worthy of leading us.
These tests will determine physical and mental fitness to rule, they're foolproof. OK, I admit they may be a little biased towards my own worldview, but, hey……Each has to do the following,tests, the one who wins the most becomes the new prime minister. Easy peasey.
David, Nick, Gordon, here are your tests……
1. 100-metre dash. No, no, not against each other, that would be unfair, no, you have to say how fast you'd run 100 metres and do it within a second of the time.
2. Sing the first song on your iPod – in tune AND with all the correct lyrics (that's the Arctic Monkeys for you, Gordon). You'll be judged on style, tunefulness and artistic interpretation
3. Prepare a meal using the contents of the larder at 10 Downing Street – cornflake buns not allowed. Judges would be Gordon Ramsay, Jamie Oliver and Delia Smith
4. Do some hard sums – my statistician friend Clare can set them, I only do organic maths. No calculators allowed, though you can take their shoes and socks off to count their toes too
5. Ski a blue piste without falling over, or climb a VDiff at Stanage (may be an advantage to Nick as a Sheffield lad)
6. And this is the crucial test, , make the 'God shot' espresso – so called because when you taste it, you say 'God, that's good….'
Tie break – last man standing after a custard pie fight.
That should sort it. Gentlemen, on your marks, get set. GO!!!!!!